Palm Beach, FL — Former President Donald Trump announced today that if his bid for reelection in 2024 does not succeed, he will be setting his sights on what he describes as the second toughest job in America: becoming a middle school principal.
“I’ve been through the toughest fights—big, big fights—but let me tell you something, folks, middle school is where the real challenge is,” Trump said during a press conference at Mar-a-Lago. “I’ve dealt with Congress, I’ve dealt with world leaders, but I’ve seen middle schoolers in action, and let me tell you, it’s vicious. But no one’s tougher than me. If I don’t get hired as the President again, I’ll show my strength by taking over a middle school. Believe me, it’ll be huge.”
Trump, whose unpredictable leadership style captured global attention, has now set his sights on an eighth-grade hallway near you. He went on to boast that no one is better equipped to handle unruly adolescents, cafeteria food fights, and questionable dress code violations.
“I’ve handled trade deals, I’ve stared down North Korea, but navigating a room full of 13-year-olds? That’s where you really prove your resilience. I’ll bring discipline—no more kids running wild. I’m talking about detention that’s tremendous, really the best detention.”
However, not everyone is convinced that Trump’s famous deal-making skills will translate to taming hormonal teenagers. One middle school teacher, Mrs. Linda Cartwright, who has survived 22 years in the trenches of 7th grade, expressed her doubts.
“Dealing with Congress? Please,” Cartwright said with a laugh. “That’s a cakewalk compared to handling 30 kids who just discovered TikTok challenges. I’d like to see him try to negotiate peace during a hallway scuffle over who’s ‘mid’ or ‘goated.’ Good luck with that, Mr. Trump.”
Others echoed her skepticism. Mr. James Stevenson, an 8th-grade history teacher, pointed out the stark differences between political debates and the challenges of keeping a room full of preteens on task.
“He thinks debating with senators was hard? He clearly hasn’t experienced what it’s like trying to teach while half the class is sneaking their phones under their desks and the other half is passing notes,” Stevenson noted. “You can’t filibuster a class into submission. I’d give him two days tops before he’s overwhelmed by requests for bathroom passes.”
Yet Trump remains undeterred by the challenges of middle school politics.
“Look, teachers are saying I’m not up for it—fake news. I’ve got the best policies for discipline. It’s going to be detention, big detention. I’ll have the greatest cafeteria lunches—so many people are saying it’s going to be the best school lunch program they’ve ever seen. People love my lunch program.”
A reporter asked Trump how he planned to deal with school dances, often the epicenter of awkward tween behavior.
“I’ve hosted the best parties—some of the best,” Trump replied. “No awkwardness. We’ll have a dance that’s so good, kids won’t even recognize themselves. We’ll call it ‘Make Middle School Fun Again.’”
One parent at a hypothetical middle school where Trump could potentially land the job voiced concerns over how his signature leadership style would blend with the delicate social ecosystem of middle school. “I mean, the last thing we need is another adult feeding into my kid’s inflated sense of self-importance. That’s already Instagram’s job,” the parent said, rolling her eyes.
While reelection may still be in the cards, the idea of Trump trading the Oval Office for the principal’s office has certainly captured public attention. And if one thing is for sure, no matter the outcome of the 2024 election, school assemblies will never be the same.
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